Mostly with myself.
I'm disappointed with my lack of drama-ness and ability to speak coherently that makes people likeable. I'm disappointed in my lack of control. I'm disappointed in my inability to concentrate on anything. I'm disappointed in my obvious lack of appeal which has led to no one calling me up for a Christmas job. I'm disappointed in myself because I feel very inadequate. What brought this on? Mostly the announcement of the school captains today.
I made out that I didn't really care all that much, until they were actually announced. And then I realised how much I needed this to feel valued. It sort of feels like no one gives a crap about the last five years of my life, because hey, it's about exposure, and who is known by the most people. The captains are my friends, and I'm happy for them, but then I also resent them, which makes me feel like a terrible person. And then I feel that I've done so much more, and then I feel guilty for thinking it.
And I know for the rest of my school life, I am going to be trying to prove myself. It's completely irrational. But it's what I'll be doing.
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