Freaking out, sort of.

My accounting exam is in a week. I'm freaking out, sort of.

Can't think straight.

Insanity.

For a long time, our school has had three houses. Mather, Warrell and Bruce. Blue, yellow and red. Everything has been simple. Warrell are ultra competitive, Bruce are very close and have fun, and Mather just sort of get along.

There has always been talk of a fourth house, but to be honest, I don't think any of us ever expected it to happen while we were at school. Well it happened. Next year there's going to be a new house, and the only thing that has been decided is its name, and the teacher who is going to head it.

Today they chose the students that will lead it. Because nothing has been decided, they'll be helping to decide on colours, emblem, motto, pretty much everything. I got chosen to be a vice-captain.

At first I was incredibly excited. And happy. And so proud to be able to be part of the first leadership group for this new house, that we'll get to shape and build.

Then I heard everyone's opinion on the matter. Most of the students are not happy. They're not happy they didn't get to choose these captains, not happy that they weren't consulted, not happy that the four students all were part of the Simunye Experience (a charity trip to South Africa), not happy that it was the principal and vice-principal that chose us, not happy.

And it makes me think, maybe I'm not good enough. Not adequate, and not popular, not someone they would want to be a leader, not pretty enough, not sporty enough, not enough of a leader. Maybe I would've been their last choice. Maybe.

I'm not even blaming them. I know when I tell them I feel like shit about it, they think I'm attacking them. I'm not. I genuinely feel awful, and like complete crap, and so inadequate. They have no idea.

It's enough to make me want to resign from the position. I honestly thought about it, for a split second. But, I won't. Because I wanted it so badly. And I'm not going to lie down and give up. As easy as it would be. The only thing I can really do is just keep going.

And hope things get better.

I'm kinda disappointed.

Mostly with myself.

I'm disappointed with my lack of drama-ness and ability to speak coherently that makes people likeable. I'm disappointed in my lack of control. I'm disappointed in my inability to concentrate on anything. I'm disappointed in my obvious lack of appeal which has led to no one calling me up for a Christmas job. I'm disappointed in myself because I feel very inadequate. What brought this on? Mostly the announcement of the school captains today.

I made out that I didn't really care all that much, until they were actually announced. And then I realised how much I needed this to feel valued. It sort of feels like no one gives a crap about the last five years of my life, because hey, it's about exposure, and who is known by the most people. The captains are my friends, and I'm happy for them, but then I also resent them, which makes me feel like a terrible person. And then I feel that I've done so much more, and then I feel guilty for thinking it.

And I know for the rest of my school life, I am going to be trying to prove myself. It's completely irrational. But it's what I'll be doing.

I like your solo.

And well, this is starting to feel like a diary or journal more than a blog. I'm thinking of taking some high-contrast, over-exposed, photographs of ordinary objects or landscapes, and then Photoshopping the life out of them, and then post them and call them art. Maybe that'll prove how individual I am. Great.

We watched Pride and Prejudice in Lit today. The Keira Knightley version. She is possibly the most gorgeous female being to walk the earth as of late. And I actually loved the movie, despite it being completely, perfectly, incandescently...a huge, huge chick flick. I would ramble more about it, but seeing as we've been studying the book, my ramble would be really, really boring. So. I liked the ranga because he was all awkward and goofy and a bit of a doofus, but in a cute way. And Keira and the girl that played Jane were both gorgeous. And I liked the candlelight and the rain, and the mist and the tension.

And now I have to do some homework, because I'm in my free. Blah.

I'm going slightly mad.

I just spent literally, 15 minutes creating a blood graphic and then another 20 minutes picking out the perfect font for my keynote for school. About Macbeth. I really dislike Macbeth. Why am I doing this? I don't know.

I would like to talk to someone, but don't want to interrupt anyone. I feel sort of...sick, at heart. I don't know why and it's unsettling. Maybe because I was looking through this book of Pulitzer Prize-winning photographs. And there were so many of death, and bad things, all because of people. Human beings' fault. You sort of wonder, will we ever learn?


Nick Ut/The Associated Press



Same earth. Same...
Yes? No? Existential angst? Yesnomaybe?

Confusion.

Bye Bye Birdie was amazing. I got really attached to it, and the closing night was probably the best performance yet. I took lots of photos. I made a pretty cake that was rainbow, but I didn't take any photos of the insides because I figured it seemed sort of egotistical. Haha.

I had a confusing conversation about liking or not liking a friend who doesn't but used to but has a girlfriend but didn't used to and. It was confusing.

Finally, this has been a most unproductive day. I have been watching Buffy gradually falling in love?! with Spike, and I'm happy with it. Except I'm tired of watching love I'd like it to happen to me. Please and thank you?

I still can't be bothered typing about the ticket fiasco .__.

...

I'm getting my Accounting 3/4 midyear results on Monday. I've been freaking out just a tiny bit. If I get a bad mark, I'm probably going to throw myself off a building.

In other news, I'm now doing sound for the school musical, Bye Bye Birdie. Quite exciting. I'm actually not meant to be doing tech anymore, because my parents are evil. But there's a lot of mics and the girl who was going to do it was sort of freaked out by the whole responsibility idea of it. So TH asked me. Things have changed in the biobox.

Also, the Year 12 media screening was today, which was all kinds of amazing.

And I've decided that I'm making an animation for 'this modern love' by Bloc Party. Any thematic/storyline ideas? I've got...a forest.

Ups and downs.

Today has been a day. We had photos and there was a big fuss about my studs and eventually I taped them. Ladidah.

So I was going to the debating photo. And I'm bad at debating. Not in that I can't debate, but in that I can't be punctual and regular and things like that. I don't show a lot is all. So there's meant to be a debate tonight, and I was going to go. We were talking about who was going to be what speaker and I volunteered to be third. Then this guy got pissed, saying I don't have any right to speak since I hardly ever show. Things along that line. And I got mad and walked off. Needless to say, I'm not in the photo, not that I really mind.

I'm not going to be all 'poor me', because everything's really my fault.

On the good side, I was asked to run sound for the school musical that's next week. I'm quite excited. There aren't many sound effects, only three. But there are 26 microphones, with I think up to 14? 18? running at one time, a bunch of mic changes, and I'm happy now (:

Happy and not happy, but mostly excited and swamped with homework.

I've been staring at the blank screen

and nothing's coming to me.

I feel...lackluster. Everything seems sort of dimmed at the moment. I've been sitting at the desk with my accounting books, but I feel oddly disconnected. I don't feel like being around people, but I don't know what I want.

It's disconcerting, and at the same time, it's just...not, because I don't have the energy to feel anything much.

Today I tried to do maths homework, invested myself in characters on a screen, didn't play sport, and hated ignorance. Right now I'm sitting and wishing, and also being sort of lonely.



(We did not break up. You walked away.)

Holy crap!

Why am I doing Methods homework? I don't have Methods tomorrow! -Cue sitcom whooping-

And so to further procrastinate:



Or Shutters Save Photography. <3

Also, I am planning to do a documentary about the music scene in Australia for media. It shall be epic.

girl anachronism.

there i go again
pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors
cause they've seen it all before
they'll say just
let
her
crash
and
burn
she'll learn
the attention just encourages her

I love amanda fucking palmer.

Also, I've been feeling really bad for a bunch of my friends. There's this whole crazy thing at school going on...alright. I was totally going to chuck in a 'read more, after the jump!'. But obviously Blogspot doesn't feel like being intuitive and simple like Livejournal or Tumblr. Fine.

The gist of it is, kids at my school sign a contract saying they won't drink, won't smoke, won't do drugs. All technically illegal for under 18s, not that it stops a lot of people.

I've got a feeling the school turns a blind eye to a lot of the stuff that goes on, but in the holidays there was a gathering that involved alcohol, smoking, and apparently drugs. Maybe not out of the ordinary really, but then someone posted photos of this happy event. Back to school, on the Thursday I think, the crazy began.

The Vice-Principal and the Principal got involved, there was this crazy shitstorm, and it ended in community service for some, 3 day suspensions, 7 day suspensions, and quite possibly means a bunch of them won't be leaders next year. There was also a drama excursion today, which means there'll probably be a whole lot of punishments tomorrow as well.

I'll admit I was all uppity at not being invited. But yeah. In light of what has happened, I'm glad I wasn't there.


Also, I ate like, five peanut-butter sandwiches today. I am addicted. Save me.
And again, OHWOW. I HAVE PLURAL FOLLOWERS. 2. Heh.