I really dislike people sometimes.

Not people per say. More like society. Which is made up of people. So I guess I am saying people.

I don't dislike you in particular. I think you're actually quite a nice person. So don't take it too personally. I know you don't actually mean to annoy me, I hope. Still, sometimes you manage to.

I am sick of bullshit and name-calling, and judgements and misconceptions. I'm sick of hypocrites, and dropkicks, and discrimination, and superiority. I'm sick of trying to fit your idea of the norm, I'm sick of trying to make a difference, I'm sick of this poisonous culture. I'm sick of the whole idea of true love, and I'm sick of the way relationships are portrayed in the media. I'm over your perfect little couples, and your condescension. I'm so tired of you thinking you're being liberal or whatever, because you're not, you're just being a dickhead and ignoring the facts staring you in the face. I'm sick of not seeing you and talking to you, because you were the one who taught me I wasn't good enough, and then you didn't tell me what was wrong.

So maybe I'm the problem.

I don't have any pretty pictures to go with this.

I found a pretty cool song.

Unhappy Birthday - The Smiths

I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday
I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday
'Cause you're evil
And you lie
And if you should die
I may feel slightly sad
(But I won't cry)

Loved and lost
And some may say
When usually it's Nothing
Surely you're happy
It should be this way ?
I say "No, I'm gonna kill my dog"
And : "May the lines sag, may the lines sag heavy and deep tonight"


I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday
I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday
'Cause you're evil
And you lie
And if you should die
I may feel slightly sad
(But I won't cry)


Loved and lost
And some may say
When usually it's Nothing
Surely you're happy
It should be this way ?
I said "No"
And then I shot myself
So, drink, drink, drink
And be ill tonight


From the one you left behind
From the one you left behind
From the one you left behind
From the one you left behind
Behind
Behind
Behind
Behind
Behind
Behind
Oh, unhappy birthday
Behind
Behind
Behind



Isn't it lovely?

Insanity.

For a long time, our school has had three houses. Mather, Warrell and Bruce. Blue, yellow and red. Everything has been simple. Warrell are ultra competitive, Bruce are very close and have fun, and Mather just sort of get along.

There has always been talk of a fourth house, but to be honest, I don't think any of us ever expected it to happen while we were at school. Well it happened. Next year there's going to be a new house, and the only thing that has been decided is its name, and the teacher who is going to head it.

Today they chose the students that will lead it. Because nothing has been decided, they'll be helping to decide on colours, emblem, motto, pretty much everything. I got chosen to be a vice-captain.

At first I was incredibly excited. And happy. And so proud to be able to be part of the first leadership group for this new house, that we'll get to shape and build.

Then I heard everyone's opinion on the matter. Most of the students are not happy. They're not happy they didn't get to choose these captains, not happy that they weren't consulted, not happy that the four students all were part of the Simunye Experience (a charity trip to South Africa), not happy that it was the principal and vice-principal that chose us, not happy.

And it makes me think, maybe I'm not good enough. Not adequate, and not popular, not someone they would want to be a leader, not pretty enough, not sporty enough, not enough of a leader. Maybe I would've been their last choice. Maybe.

I'm not even blaming them. I know when I tell them I feel like shit about it, they think I'm attacking them. I'm not. I genuinely feel awful, and like complete crap, and so inadequate. They have no idea.

It's enough to make me want to resign from the position. I honestly thought about it, for a split second. But, I won't. Because I wanted it so badly. And I'm not going to lie down and give up. As easy as it would be. The only thing I can really do is just keep going.

And hope things get better.

I'm kinda disappointed.

Mostly with myself.

I'm disappointed with my lack of drama-ness and ability to speak coherently that makes people likeable. I'm disappointed in my lack of control. I'm disappointed in my inability to concentrate on anything. I'm disappointed in my obvious lack of appeal which has led to no one calling me up for a Christmas job. I'm disappointed in myself because I feel very inadequate. What brought this on? Mostly the announcement of the school captains today.

I made out that I didn't really care all that much, until they were actually announced. And then I realised how much I needed this to feel valued. It sort of feels like no one gives a crap about the last five years of my life, because hey, it's about exposure, and who is known by the most people. The captains are my friends, and I'm happy for them, but then I also resent them, which makes me feel like a terrible person. And then I feel that I've done so much more, and then I feel guilty for thinking it.

And I know for the rest of my school life, I am going to be trying to prove myself. It's completely irrational. But it's what I'll be doing.

Do I just not have a sense of humour?

Because I get irrationally angry when I see/hear/read people making fun of transvestites, transgendered people, gay people, or most minorities. I know it's meant to be a joke, but it just really pisses me off that people use 'gay' or 'transvestite' as a slur, like it's a huge, awful thing, and I hate it.

I know that these people don't mean any harm (at least, I don't think they do). It just makes me mad.

Happyness.

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?"
-Christopher, The Pursuit of Happyness

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein.

Running

Do you ever feel like you're running very fast? Running away from something but you're not sure what, and towards something, but you don't know what that is either? And you don't know what it is, but you have the feeling that when you reach it, everything will be okay and you'll be someone different? Or someone more, or someone less, or someone. And you're running out of time, so you run faster. And then there's a cliff coming up and you're running too fast to avoid it. So you fall.

 Insert indie photograph here.


"Sometimes I feel so - I don't know - lonely. The kind of helplessness feeling when everything you're used to has been ripped away. Like there's no more gravity, and I'm left to drift in outer space with no idea where I'm going."
- Sputnik Sweetheart, Haruki Murakami

We could be.

We don't have to be an epic symphony or you know, a never-ending story. We could just be a world of emotion squeezed into a four minute rock song. A short and sweet summer hit, or I don't know, just the tuning of the orchestra.

We don't have to be perfect. Not really.

Then again, I don't think we're ever going to be a we. It's not like a fairytale or something.





I don't really know what I'm doing anymore, to be honest. I don't know who I am, or who I'm going to be, but I always have the feeling that I'd be better somewhere else.

And stuff.

I really loved Scott Pilgrim. It was laugh-out-loud-worthy, which the audience did, a lot, and you sort of get immersed. Especially because it's so jumpy, and I did read some sort of review that mentioned it was good for our ADD generation, and older people might dislike it because of that. Ton of video game references which are funny if you get them, but quite funny regardless.

I got sort of sick of people munching and opening Cokes, or whatever they were doing. Michael Cera was a dick some of the time, but hey, that's life, right? I wish I could have comic book visuals when I play guitar. That would be pretty rad. There were good

I sort of didn't like how my life sort of corresponds to Knives, just a bit. Like, older guy breaking up with school girl with some line like, "You're too young for me," or it might have been "I'm too old for you." Regardless, it made me uncomfortable. And it made me never want to commit to a relationship again, because she was sort of portrayed in a hapless, obsessive way, and he so obviously wasn't into it. So like. There goes my trust (again). Great.

The actual going to a cinema to watch a movie with someone who is not H, or coupled, was good. I don't know. Argh. And I can't. Yeah. Uhmm.  It was awkward, a little. I'm not good at using words. I can write them down or type them. They just don't like coming out of my mouth.

Also, we've somehow managed to use 120GB of data in 28 days. So my internet is pretty much non-existent for the next three days. God help me.

Warning: Another whiny post.

So. You know what really sucks. BEING ASIAN. I'm not being racist or anything. I know heritage, pride, etc etc.

But the fact of the matter is, most musicals are written for white people. There are a few that are Asian-specific (Miss Saigon, The King and I, etc), but on the whole, European/American/WHITE.

All the musicals I think about and dream about and want with all my heart to be a part of. Les Mis - French. Next to Normal - American. Rent - Spanish girl, black girl, black guy, no Asian. Chess - American/Russian. Spring Awakening - German.

I am so effing sick of this.

Completely addicted...

To music. Odd, isn't it?

I've been noticing it more lately. Like...I have to have my iPod speakers playing while I'm in the shower or brushing my teeth. And I listen to them when I sleep. And then on my Macbook when I wake up. Recently I had a mini spaz when I had to go from the car's music to my room to listen to music again. It was so weird.

Last night I listening to musicals, and I was convinced that musical theatre was my calling, and if I didn't sing on stage in a musical, I would die unhappy and unfulfilled.

Today I'm listening to Eminem and I have come to the conclusion that I just need music. Need it, sort of the same way I need oxygen or water.

Mini-tangent: I actually really like Eminem. I first got into him in Grade 5, and I'm pretty sure I had a huge crush on him. And I've decided that the reason Eminem is so much more awesome than other rappers is that he's a minority for one. A minority in his field, but not in you know, life. Or America. Or...whatever. It's sort of like...there is no shortage of Asians. But look at musical theatre and they are definitely a minority. That's sort of what I mean.

And I still like him. Because he's not like 'CHICKS. MONEY. RIDES. CHICKS. BOOBS. SEX. SEX. SEX.' At least, not all the time like other rappers. I like the way he rhymes.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that, I don't think I could handle any sort of future that doesn't involve music. I was thinking about music industry, like managing, but I don't know if I could be that close to so much yet not have it.

And so ends another post about what to do. Time for some Buffy.

I'm going slightly mad.

I just spent literally, 15 minutes creating a blood graphic and then another 20 minutes picking out the perfect font for my keynote for school. About Macbeth. I really dislike Macbeth. Why am I doing this? I don't know.

I would like to talk to someone, but don't want to interrupt anyone. I feel sort of...sick, at heart. I don't know why and it's unsettling. Maybe because I was looking through this book of Pulitzer Prize-winning photographs. And there were so many of death, and bad things, all because of people. Human beings' fault. You sort of wonder, will we ever learn?


Nick Ut/The Associated Press



Same earth. Same...
Yes? No? Existential angst? Yesnomaybe?

Ticket fiasco.

I can finally be bothered blogging about this incident. Which I am still pissed off about, by the way. Bee tee dubs. Haha. Chatspeak is a funny thing.

So I had this Florence ticket and I couldn't go to the concert. The day before, I found a girl who said she really wanted it. Let's call her...bad-word. Or A, for convenience. She said she really wanted to go, which I knew was only true to a degree, because I'd sort of noticed she didn't know anything much about Florence. But hey, I was finally getting the ticket to someone else.

Few hours after that, an awesome person known as KB told me that she wanted the ticket. And it was her birthday, and I love her, and she really wanted to see a girl that was going. But I'd already promised A, who wasn't a particular friend, but I didn't think it was right to go back on a deal.

But I asked A anyway, are you sure you really want to go? It's just someone else really wants it too. And she replied that she'd organised everything and she really, REALLY wanted to go. She'd have the money on Friday! Fair enough.

She didn't go. And she Facebook messaged me shit, but the long and short of it:





Eff her.

Also, I am not feeling like a special little snowflake. I feel like crap, actually. And so here's a Chuck Palahniuk quote:

"We are the middle children of history, raised by television to believe that someday we'll be millionaires and movie stars and rock stars, but we won't. And we're just learning this fact. So don't fuck with us."


I would add an appropriately depressing photo, but I really can't be bothered finding one.

Confusion.

Bye Bye Birdie was amazing. I got really attached to it, and the closing night was probably the best performance yet. I took lots of photos. I made a pretty cake that was rainbow, but I didn't take any photos of the insides because I figured it seemed sort of egotistical. Haha.

I had a confusing conversation about liking or not liking a friend who doesn't but used to but has a girlfriend but didn't used to and. It was confusing.

Finally, this has been a most unproductive day. I have been watching Buffy gradually falling in love?! with Spike, and I'm happy with it. Except I'm tired of watching love I'd like it to happen to me. Please and thank you?

I still can't be bothered typing about the ticket fiasco .__.

I really suck.

I messed up pretty much everything yesterday in the show. The actors/dancers/singers were awesome, I just sucked.

There's this ticket issue which I cannot be bothered going through at the moment.

And you should really read this, because it's rather beautiful.

Here's a poem from e. e. cummings. Original formatting.



nearer:breath of my breath:take not thy tingling
limbs from me:make my pain their crazy meal
letting thy tigers of smooth sweetness steal
slowly in dumb blossoms of new mingling:
deeper:blood of my blood:with upwardcringing
swiftness plunge these leopards of white dream
in the glad flesh of my fear:more neatly ream
this pith of darkness:carve an evilfringing
flower of madness on gritted lips
and on sprawled eyes squriming with light insane
chisel the killing flame that dizzily grips.

Querying greys between mouthed houses curl

thirstily. Dead stars stink. dawn. Inane,

the poetic carcass of a girl

List of things I am pissed off about.

1. Only getting an A.
2. Half-finished English essay due in less than 12 hours.
3. Inability to focus
4. My general lack of appeal.
5. Being forced to quit.
6. Attractive and talented people.
7. Always being in the background.
8. Not being able to do something when people need it.
9. Not being able to win at anything.
10. Him not talking to me.
11. The Ex.
12. Myself.

I hate spoilers.

So I'm almost at the end of Season 5 of Buffy. I'm also on tumblr (same url) and I'm following a whole lot of Whedon groups. And I keep getting spoilers that I wish I could un-read. So here are the top three worst spoilers I have ever gotten. (Don't read further if you don't want spoilers for House Season 5, X-Men 3 or the last few seasons of Buffy.

1. Me and my friend were talking about Kal Penn, and he goes, 'yeah, the guy in House that dies, yeah?' And that spoilt the rest of season 5 for me.
2. After watching X-Men 2 and being sad that Jean Grey died, I was then told, 'It's okay! She comes back in the next movie!'
3. I READ THAT SPIKE GETS HIS SOUL BACK WTF.

Whoo, Angel and Buffy just kissed again after a whole season of not! I want an Angel >< In other news, I saw The Ex today. He gets caps because he's the only real ex I have an issue with. To be honest though, I don't think I regret it. Butterfly wings and all. One good thing came out of it at least, being the discovery of Amber Lamps, who are great.

But I walked into Dick Smith and there he was, helping some couple with a Mac. Fuckhimfuckhimfuckhim. I don't think he saw me. It was still bad.

Oh, yesterday there was a media screening, and it was quite, quite epic. I did the tech stuff for it and it was mad fun. I think it's because I'm pretty close to this year's Year 12 class. It's mostly because I always hang out in the media room and chill with them all the time.

My mum just gave me a good yelling-at because I'm a spoiled brat. Great times.

I'm going off into a little self-pitying tangent with the screen all blck so I can't see what I'm typing. Everything's dark and my eyes are closed. It's quite intense. Decided to not edit this at all. It'll be interesting. Like stream of consciousness stuff.

I am always doubting people around me. I know it's an awful thing to say, but it's true. I'm wondering if they actually want to talk to me, be my friend, hang out, be nice. I'm scared that I'm the weird kid that people pretend to like.

Then again, I am the weird kid. Not the weird kid as in, 'wow, I'm such a hipster. I dress differently and listen to music you've never heard of. Look, here's my posse who also all dress differently. Okay, they all look like they're the same, but it's because we are saaah indie.' I'm actually just...weird.

Like the fact that I get alll introverted and moody on camps. My friend complained to everyone that I was spoiling the mood for her. I understand that and I'm sorry, but I can't wave a magic wand and be happy for everyone's sake. And it's not like I displayed it, I went and sat in the tent until I could gain some modicum of not-angst-and-disappointingness.

I just don't know.

=/

Why don't I get invited to parties? I thought we were friends, at least sort of, you know? And nothing. We used to hang out all the time, remember? Whine whine whine. Sob. Why don't you want me?

Oh. Right. That's why.

I would ramble a bit about vampires and lahdidah, but eh. HELLYEAH SPIKE. I need to ring my orthodontist, and then Freeza, and then ask around for some unsigned/signed/awesome bands for my doco. Humm.

My cousin's flying over today. And just for laughs, a photo I took when I was in Hong Kong a few years ago:


It's good they reminded me that I wasn't allowed to bring nuclear weapons. I always forget.

Change of plans.

I was totally going to write a cheerful, if slightly aggressive post about nothing in particular (something in particular), because I think the no-social-networking thing is really getting to me. Screw it.



Everything's bullshit. I'm so sick of everyone faking nice and being polite and the beautiful people, although it's not their fault they're beautiful, and this singer is melting my brain because she's fucking amazing and so melancholy and I love that word so much, and something just happened and it put me in a slightly manic (in a bad way) mood.

I hate people that leave for no reason, I hate people who break up by text, and I hate people who are shallow and who think they're so goddamn superior. I hate it when the one thing I want is never going to happen, and I hate it when I realise I am a huge hypocrite and I am the root of all my problems.

I used to be sort of little, a couple of years back. Every time I stood up too fast, my blood pressure went insane and I got dizzy. Whenever I ate more than some arbitrary amount for the day, I would run to the gym, plug in my earphones, and runrunrun. And numbers all the time. Everyone says, "you're too skinny, it's not good for you." But you know, deep inside, they're just jealous. A compliment in the form of a lecture. Society is fucked. Or maybe it's just me.

Do you ever find yourself not caring if something is hurting you or not, as long as it makes you more appealing in the eyes of others?

If you're looking for me, I'm floating in a puddle of angst and self-pity and inarticulate-ness somewhere. Still sitting here, wishing you wanted me.

When?

By me.

So I was reading a post from this guy's blog, and okay, I don't actually know him very well at all, except he's an incredible singer and Jonathan is mega jealous of his ability as a natural tenor to slide straight into falsetto. Anyway, while I can't answer the flannelet conundrum, I started thinking about when life got serious. This isn't done with quite as much humour or eloquence or diorama drama as he has, but I tried.

The best I can figure is, life gets serious when you realise that what you see is not always what you get. When you realise blurry crayon drawings don't remotely resemble real life, and people have agendas, and a sandpit is not a suitable place for an ant farm. Life gets serious when someone is mean to you for no particular reason, and when you do things you hate because you have to do them, and when you realise you might not ever be a rock star or fairy princess or red balloon. Life gets serious when you realise that just because a necklace looks shiny, it isn't necessarily made of gold or silver or anything of value, when you think too much, when you first wish you could be someone else, and when you understand wishes don't always come true. And life gets serious when you start blogging about the seriousness about it all.

But in all seriousness, my life is looking pretty serious at the moment. Parents are scared I'm going to screw up my entire schooling career by dropping methods and picking up media (which I will do) and I've boycotted Facebook and MSN, and my playlist consists of Regina Spektor, The Scene Aesthetic, Stars, Death Cab For Cutie and also Paramore. How melancholy. (I already said 'serious' seven times.)