Life crisis.

I was going to call this a midlife crisis, but then I realised I'm not there yet. So this is just a life-in-general crisis.

So I was at Push Over Festival, taking millions of photos. (I didn't have a photo pass, which meant a lot of my photos were hit and miss, hence millions of photos.) Not really millions. Anyway. Amber Lamps won, which was great, because I remember less than a year ago I saw them at the Melbourne High social and I didn't know anything about them.

Lead singer, Amber Lamps (Photo by me)

However, this served to highlight my lack of achievements in recent years. I haven't published a book, been in a musical, been on TV (except for a couple minutes when I was 12), been in a band, been discovered for anything, started a business, or anything really.

I guess this is the Gen Y thing. We're so used to instantaneous happenings and Twitter trends, shows being cast via the web, Youtube phenomena, whatever else, that when things don't happen, it's disheartening. I'm not saying that we expect things to just happen to us, but I still will admit that I feel insignificant and un-noteworthy.

To any older person who reads this, I guess this seems pretty ridiculous. I'm 17 and I feel like everything's over.

But hey, at least I'm clear on my priorities again.

Do you think everyone has some thing that they're made to do? Maybe not everyone ends up doing it, or discovers it. But the thing that means they wake up happy with their lives, that makes them complete.

If there is that one thing, I think it's music.

My parents keep telling me that music is risky, and to have a solid job and income before attempting anything in the music industry. On some level, I completely understand and agree.

On another level, my heart tells me that I can take it, and that by the time I've done a couple of degrees and am earning decent money, my heart and drive will have died.

Either way, I should probably at least finish school first, right?

Friends and other things.

In the interests of procrastinating as much as humanly possible, I will now type a blog post. It's 10.53pm, I have homework due, stories to write, clothes to put away, but hey! Writing is important! (Right? Right...?)

Anyway, it's been a long time since my last post. What have I been doing? I've been promoting a festival, Push Over 2011, here, a concert in Melbourne which one of my friends is playing at.

I should mention that. I'm a bad friend.

No really, I am. I'm the worst person ever at staying in touch and doing things. I would rather sit at home and watch TV and play video games (by the way, I just got Kingdom Hearts for PS2, about ten years after it actually came out...) than go out. It's not because my friends are boring or I don't like them. They're freaking awesome. I love them.

It's me, not them. Seriously. I'm just not good at being a social person. Coming back from that tangent, this friend that's playing in the concert, I did not hang out with much in the holidays like I said I would. You'd think that three or so months would be plenty of time to catch up with everyone. I did, once. And apart from that, things kept coming up and I kept cancelling and I felt like a bad bad person.

Did that have a point? Apparently not.

So now I've wasted a few more minutes (11 minutes, actually), I'll leave.

Leaving.

Now. (12 minutes.)

Reminiscing.

I love My Chemical Romance. A lot.

It's not like they saved my life. There was no epiphany moment where I was holding a bottle of pills and I'm Not Okay came on the radio and I realised that, "hey, I don't want to die!"

But they were there for me (in a musical sense) when I felt like everything was falling apart. They made me. Before I started listening to them and music like them, I was ordinary. Like, no life ordinary.

And despite all the crap I got and still get for liking them, I don't give a fuck. Because well, they're special. They make me feel special.

The night I saw them live was the best night of my life. I honestly do not think anything could ever top it.

Now I'm pretty much rambling. But, Danger Days? Perfection.

This is me.

Procrastinating. My review of The Getaway Plan is here. It got put in Liveguide's review section (:

And here are some photos I took with my phone, which is why I'm proud, because they turned out not too badly. So yay me.

I can't sleep. I have too much to do. Can't sleep. I want to write, I really, really do, but if I write I feel guilty and if I sleep I feel guilty and I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to deal with four VCE subjects next year if I can't deal with two.

Freaking out, sort of.

My accounting exam is in a week. I'm freaking out, sort of.

Can't think straight.

I really dislike people sometimes.

Not people per say. More like society. Which is made up of people. So I guess I am saying people.

I don't dislike you in particular. I think you're actually quite a nice person. So don't take it too personally. I know you don't actually mean to annoy me, I hope. Still, sometimes you manage to.

I am sick of bullshit and name-calling, and judgements and misconceptions. I'm sick of hypocrites, and dropkicks, and discrimination, and superiority. I'm sick of trying to fit your idea of the norm, I'm sick of trying to make a difference, I'm sick of this poisonous culture. I'm sick of the whole idea of true love, and I'm sick of the way relationships are portrayed in the media. I'm over your perfect little couples, and your condescension. I'm so tired of you thinking you're being liberal or whatever, because you're not, you're just being a dickhead and ignoring the facts staring you in the face. I'm sick of not seeing you and talking to you, because you were the one who taught me I wasn't good enough, and then you didn't tell me what was wrong.

So maybe I'm the problem.

I don't have any pretty pictures to go with this.

I met Juliet Landau today.

<3

I will post more later when I have regained the ability to write coherently.

I found a pretty cool song.

Unhappy Birthday - The Smiths

I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday
I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday
'Cause you're evil
And you lie
And if you should die
I may feel slightly sad
(But I won't cry)

Loved and lost
And some may say
When usually it's Nothing
Surely you're happy
It should be this way ?
I say "No, I'm gonna kill my dog"
And : "May the lines sag, may the lines sag heavy and deep tonight"


I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday
I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday
'Cause you're evil
And you lie
And if you should die
I may feel slightly sad
(But I won't cry)


Loved and lost
And some may say
When usually it's Nothing
Surely you're happy
It should be this way ?
I said "No"
And then I shot myself
So, drink, drink, drink
And be ill tonight


From the one you left behind
From the one you left behind
From the one you left behind
From the one you left behind
Behind
Behind
Behind
Behind
Behind
Behind
Oh, unhappy birthday
Behind
Behind
Behind



Isn't it lovely?

because I'm materialistic

My birthday's in a few days, and I'm not having any parties or anything happening, which is alright, because I'm not much for fusses. (Okay, admittedly I like people giving me attention, but that's beside the point.)

As much as I would like to think otherwise, I am materialistic, the same as most people. So here is my wishlist.

1. The full boxset of Buffy the Vampire Slayer


2. This Skeleton Crew shirt, which I've wanted since well, forever.


3. A decent drum kit. Like, I don't know, this one? (Never mind it costing something like four grand...)


4. A new // several new guitar/s. Preferably Fender or maybe Gibson.


5. Another external hard drive, because I've almost used up a terabyte.

6. More memory for my lovely Macbook, otherwise known as Max.

7. The Angel boxset!


8. THIS CARD.




9. Also, this man please.

Or this guy.

Don't wanna be too picky.

The Seconds Before the Launch

This isn't me missing you. This is me missing the me I used to be.

This isn't me. 

From here

A Genius Bids Farewell

So I found this on a piece of paper inside a library book a while back, and it was really pretty so I swiped it...


Gabriel Garcia Marquez has retired from public life due to health reasons: cancer of the lymph nodes. It seems that it is getting worse. He has sent a farewell letter to his friends, and thanks to the Internet it is spreading. This short text, written by one of the most brilliant Latin Americans in recent times, is truly moving.


If for an instant God were to forget that I am a rag doll and gifted me with a piece of life, possibly I wouldn't say all that I think, but rather I would think of all that I say. I would value things, not for their worth  but for what they mean.

I would sleep little, dream more, understanding that for each minute we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light. I would walk when others hold back, I would wake when others sleep. I would listen when others talk, and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream!

If God were to give me a piece of life, I would dress simply, throw myself face first into the sun, baring not only my body but also my soul. My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice, and wait for the sun to show. Over the stars I would paint with a Van Gogh dream a Benedetti poem, and a Serrat song would be the serenade I'd offer to the moon.

With my tears I would water roses, to feel the pain of their thorns, and the red kiss of their petals...My God, if I had a piece of life...I wouldn't let a single day pass without telling the people I love that I love them. I would convince each woman and each man that they are my favorites, and I would live in love with love.

I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love!

To a child I shall give wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own. I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but with forgetting. So much have I learned from you, oh men...I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that real happiness is in how it is scaled.

I have learned that when a newborn child squeezes for the first time with his tiny fist his father's finger, he has him trapped forever. I have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only when he has to help the other get to his feet.

From you I have learned so many things, but in truth they won't be of much use, for when I keep them within this suitcase, unhappily shall I be dying.

-

I am sad.

Review: The Getaway Plan U18

People walking through Russell Street on Friday afternoon were wondering why the hell so many different teenagers were lined up around several corners, throwing Starburst at each other, drinking Coke, yelling, laughing, or simply sitting on the concrete. The reason? The Getaway Plan were back in town.

Cheerleader, the first support act, were vaguely energetic and politely received. Despite that, they seemed to lack enthusiasm and only were able to summon a cordial response from the audience. The next band, Built on Secrets, were able to garner more of a reaction, with engaging performances from each member, particularly the drummer. However, the more well-known Stealing O’Neal eclipsed both the previous acts, stealing the show with a healthy mixture of old favourites, entirely new tracks and banter, performed with a riotous exuberance and the confident declaration that this was their best performance ever. In between acts, speakers reminded the audience of the show’s cause: to raise awareness about depression, addiction, self harm and suicide.

After Stealing O’Neal, the curtains went down, and Billboard the Venue buzzed with an almost overwhelming nervous excitement from hundreds of teens desperate for a hit of The Getaway Plan. The rising curtains heralded frenzied cheers from the crowd, and the resulting band appeared much the same, except for a haircut and smart black coat for vocalist, Matt Wright. They performed admirably considering their year-long absence, blazing through their set with songs from their last album, Other Voices, Other Rooms, including Sleep Spindles, Shadows, Red Flag and of course, ending with the ever-popular Where The City Meets The Sea.
There was some disappointment at their decision to include only one song from pre-Other Voices times. Nevertheless, The New Year added to the showcase of Matt Wright’s impressive vocal range, ranging from screaming to singing to whispering.

The encore song, Rhapsody on a Windy Night, was preluded by the haunting Entr’acte, similar to the album version. Any lingering thoughts that The Getaway Plan weren’t fully back were forgotten as Matt leapt from the stage into the crowd complete with microphone, sparking a crazy few minutes with some doubt as to whether the singer would emerge again. He did, and The Getaway Plan went out with a bang.

Are they really back? The clock is counting down...



So that was my review of the show. Also, I EFFING LOVE THE GETAWAY PLAN TO DEATH. In other news, my goal in life is to become a rockstar. 

Contemplating starting a second blog.

Because well, I have a feeling personal blogs are meant to be for, well, personal stuff. But, having watched the first two seasons of Buffy (again) in two days, I'm feeling all...Whedon-y. And I'm going to picspam the hell out of general people.

Also, I love Joss Whedon. So much that I've decided to call my future kid Joseph, just so I can nickname him Joss. Haha. Jokes. Probably.

So yes, new blog, old blog, yes, no. Hmmmm.

Also, I'm feeling not too bad today. Must have something to do with not actually having been in direct sunlight all day. Go me.

Insanity.

For a long time, our school has had three houses. Mather, Warrell and Bruce. Blue, yellow and red. Everything has been simple. Warrell are ultra competitive, Bruce are very close and have fun, and Mather just sort of get along.

There has always been talk of a fourth house, but to be honest, I don't think any of us ever expected it to happen while we were at school. Well it happened. Next year there's going to be a new house, and the only thing that has been decided is its name, and the teacher who is going to head it.

Today they chose the students that will lead it. Because nothing has been decided, they'll be helping to decide on colours, emblem, motto, pretty much everything. I got chosen to be a vice-captain.

At first I was incredibly excited. And happy. And so proud to be able to be part of the first leadership group for this new house, that we'll get to shape and build.

Then I heard everyone's opinion on the matter. Most of the students are not happy. They're not happy they didn't get to choose these captains, not happy that they weren't consulted, not happy that the four students all were part of the Simunye Experience (a charity trip to South Africa), not happy that it was the principal and vice-principal that chose us, not happy.

And it makes me think, maybe I'm not good enough. Not adequate, and not popular, not someone they would want to be a leader, not pretty enough, not sporty enough, not enough of a leader. Maybe I would've been their last choice. Maybe.

I'm not even blaming them. I know when I tell them I feel like shit about it, they think I'm attacking them. I'm not. I genuinely feel awful, and like complete crap, and so inadequate. They have no idea.

It's enough to make me want to resign from the position. I honestly thought about it, for a split second. But, I won't. Because I wanted it so badly. And I'm not going to lie down and give up. As easy as it would be. The only thing I can really do is just keep going.

And hope things get better.

I'm kinda disappointed.

Mostly with myself.

I'm disappointed with my lack of drama-ness and ability to speak coherently that makes people likeable. I'm disappointed in my lack of control. I'm disappointed in my inability to concentrate on anything. I'm disappointed in my obvious lack of appeal which has led to no one calling me up for a Christmas job. I'm disappointed in myself because I feel very inadequate. What brought this on? Mostly the announcement of the school captains today.

I made out that I didn't really care all that much, until they were actually announced. And then I realised how much I needed this to feel valued. It sort of feels like no one gives a crap about the last five years of my life, because hey, it's about exposure, and who is known by the most people. The captains are my friends, and I'm happy for them, but then I also resent them, which makes me feel like a terrible person. And then I feel that I've done so much more, and then I feel guilty for thinking it.

And I know for the rest of my school life, I am going to be trying to prove myself. It's completely irrational. But it's what I'll be doing.

Joss Whedon is a god.

I'm honest.

Why is he a god? Because he is one of the most amazing writers/directors ever. Okay, whatever, Quentin Tarantino, Stanley Kubrick, Christopher Nolan, I know, I know.

But okay guys. Joss Whedon not only created, wrote and directed Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly and Dollhouse. He also helped create/write/direct/produce Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog, which is, well, 100% quotable, directed an episode of Glee, and co-wrote Toy Story. Oh yeah, and he's co-writing/directing the Avengers. Yeah. He's awesome, okay?

And I was thinking about it (after I a status on Facebook and everyone joined in the quote-fest), and someone said that it was great how when someone posted a Whedon quote, all the Whedon fans joined in. And yeah, that's why Joss Whedon kicks ass.

Because his characters and stories transcend you know, gender, age, genre preference, and whatever-the-hell-else. He makes up cool words (shiny, guys, just shiny), believable people, and believable not-people.

And also, just because come on. He's awesome.

Now...I'm going to watch Buffy again. Because I haven't watched an episode since this morning.

Or maybe I'll watch Dr. Horrible again. Who knows.

I know you're just a rag doll now, sewn together with memories that we might have had.


I know you're just the dream inside of a dream


And don't worry, I know I don't know you, anymore.


From here

Do I just not have a sense of humour?

Because I get irrationally angry when I see/hear/read people making fun of transvestites, transgendered people, gay people, or most minorities. I know it's meant to be a joke, but it just really pisses me off that people use 'gay' or 'transvestite' as a slur, like it's a huge, awful thing, and I hate it.

I know that these people don't mean any harm (at least, I don't think they do). It just makes me mad.